Friday, May 04, 2007

Child of God

Below is the picture that we gave our family this past weekend when we went to Texas for the Pleasant Ridge Reunion. We were SHOCKED but very excited when we found out that we were expecting another baby (I took FOUR pregnancy tests...just to make sure)! I was a little scared at first about the fact that Brody would only be 16 months old when the baby is born. Mike assured me that it would be fun to have them that close together. We talked about the great friends they would become and how Brody would love to have a little brother or sister to play with. Our families were equally shocked/excited when we told them the news!

I started a journal as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I did this for Brody too and would write about the joys and struggles of pregnancy. I also wrote about all the things I was looking forward to doing with him...and the many prayers I was saying for him. I think it'll be fun to look back at with him when he and his wife are expecting a child of their own! I still write in Brody's journal every now and then. The journal for the new baby is a little different....it has an end. Here is an excerpt from the journal:

The week before going to TX I had some spotting, so I had blood drawn on Monday and Thursday to test my HCG levels and make sure my worrying was for nothing. The levels from Monday’s test came back very high. I didn’t find out the results from Thursday's blood draw until we were on our way home from TX on Monday the 30th. Debbie (my doctor) called and said that my levels had dropped a little (they should have doubled in the 2nd draw). This gave her cause for concern. She asked me to come in on Tuesday morning at 10:00 am for a sonogram.

Tuesday, Mike, Brody, and I went in to the Medical Center for the sonogram. The sonographer found your little body on the sonogram. You measured 8 weeks (older than I thought), however, you weren’t moving and he couldn’t find a heartbeat. He left the room (before telling us this) to go get Debbie. Since we had seen Brody at 6 weeks 6 days with Paula’s sonogram machine…we knew what you should look like. I could tell that you weren’t moving and didn’t have a beating heart, however, I was still hoping that I was wrong. Then the sonographer came back in the room with Debbie and showed her the images of your precious body. Debbie told us that you had already died. She said based on your size it had been within the past few days. Mike and I both had tears streaming down our face.


Wednesday and Thursday now seem like a blur in my mind. There was so much blood....so much that I had to go to the hospital and get 2 units of blood to replenish my body. Mike has been my rock. Not only has he been taking care of Brody, meals, the house....he's cleaned up after me and cared for me during this horrible nightmare known simply as a miscarriage.

I now know that it is true. You are gone. There’s no hope for a mistaken sonogram or a miracle anymore. I saw with my own eyes as you passed from my body to your watery grave. Tears stream down my face at the loss of a dream, a future, and a child. It seems so hard to say goodbye after such a short time. It should be just the beginning….not the end. I am thankful that I can rest assured that you are now safe in the arms of God. I’m jealous that he gets to hold you first, however, you are blessed to get to skip the troubles of this world and go directly to a place of eternal peace and comfort.

We can’t wait until the day we enter Heaven and are able to hold you and love on you. Even though we never got to see your precious face…we know that we will recognize you by the impression you left on our hearts.

Goodbye my dear child. You will always be in my heart.

I love you!
Mom

25 comments:

Suzanne said...

Mike & Staci,

That was beautiful, so full of true emotion. Joey & I are so sorry for your loss. It is comforting to know that God is with him/her now. Your family will remain in our prayers. Love You!

Anonymous said...

Dear baby,

This is your daddy. I'm very sad that your mommy and I were never able to hold and care for you. We both know with all of our hearts that you are in a better place. Your Heavenly Father has called you home to be with Him. While we will truly miss all of the moments that we will be unable to share with you, we look forward to that day when we can join you in Eternal life with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

We Love you very Much!!!

Amy Renay said...

I am a friend of RyAnn's and I have been reading your blog for a while now. I never felt the need to comment because you do not know me but after I read this I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry for your loss and you and your family are in my prayers.

Ledbetter Fam said...

Staci,

I love you so much and it was really good to talk to you last night. This is a beautiful journal entry. I know that you will read it over and over again. Please, remember that we are praying for you to heal both physically and emotionally from this sad experience.

Love,

Juli Beth

megan said...

Thanks for making me cry...
What a beautiful journal entry. I will continue to pray for you and Mike. I love you so much!

Amy said...

Staci- That was beautiful. I'm so sorry for your family's loss. My prayers are with you guys.

Natalie Gary said...

Hey Staci-I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. My aunt has a ministry she started after she lost a baby at 8 months gestation called MEND(mommies enduring neonatal death) at www.mend.org it is Christian based and may be a good outlet for you. You are not alone and rest in the comfort that we can only find in Jesus. I will be praying for you. Know you have a beautiful treasure waiting for you in Heaven.
Love,
Natalie

Robertson Family said...

Staci,
This post is so real and beautiful...I am so sorry for your loss...I pray that you heal both physically and emotionally...you and Mike are both so amazing and so true with your words...We are praying in CA...
Anna, Tom & Holden

Caleb said...

Audria and I were reading the post on her phone in the waiting room of the dr office. We both had tears in our eyes! I am sure people were wondering what on her phone was so sad!!

We love you guys!

Julie said...

Crying, honestly crying as I am sitting here for you. Crying because the world is such a difficult place to be in when we long for our real home and those we love, especially one you love you never got to hold. Hold this baby in your heart until you get to hold him again.

laura said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

RyAnn said...

Staci-
I am so sorry for your loss. Your journal entry was so beautiful. We will be praying for you and all of your family.

kate m. said...

I am so sorry Staci! I will be praying for you and Mike because even though we all know your baby is in Heaven, it is still hard for those of us left here on earth to understand. Your journal entry was beautiful and, having gone through that experience before Jackson was born, so genuine and true. Love you!

Cindi Koceich said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I too went through the same thing. It's so hard to understand, but you're right, he/she is in the loving arms of our Father and at peace now. Your words were beautifully spoken! I am praying for you and Mike! Big Hugs!!!

Shauna said...

You guys are in my prayers - My heart goes out to you and Mike. I love you.

RaeAnn said...

I'm sorry for your loss. You, Mike & Brody are in our prayers

Jessica said...

Staci, Mike, Brody & baby K,
I am so truly sorry that you've been thru such a traumatic experience and loss. I was so excited at the prospect of having a new little face in the bbc family.

My heart aches for you and your journal entry (and mike's comments) are truly beautiful and touching. You guys are always in my thoughts and prayers. I know that god will bless your family again when his time is here. (((HUGS)))

Sapphire & Dana said...

My heart broke reading your beautiful excerpt from the journal. What a beautiful way to memoralize your second child and the feelings for him or her. You remain in our thoughts and in our prayers.

Sapphire

Carolyn said...

Staci,

I am so sorry for your loss. Your post is a moving and beautiful tribute to your baby. I am praying for you and Mike as you weather this time together.

Mom said...

Dad and I sat on a rock by Lake Mead and read your post on his Blackberry. Luckily, no one was around. We both cried. We cried for the loss of a grandchild, but we also cried because of our inability to make everything okay for our precious daughter and son-in-law. We love you both so much!

Paula said...

I am so sorry to hear the sad news about your miscarriage. May God totally protect your health in the next few days and may you feel his arms around your heart(s).

It was so good to see you this past weekend and get to play with Brody. He seems like such a happy little boy! You are obviously doing some things right. I can't wait till you and Mike move back to the area. It is going to be so much fun to have the whole Hastings-Rhodes clan back in the Metroplex one of these days.

Daddy Ken & Grandmommy said...

Steve just called us and told us the sad news. We are so very sorry. I will hold you and Mike up in my prayers.

Cindy Davis said...

We are so sorry to hear about your miscarriage! I cannot even begin to imagine the grief you must feel right now. Dave's sister and one of our sister-in-laws both miscarriaged their first baby. I know you will probably never get over the fact that you were to have one more child, and you will always feel that loss. Know that we are praying for you and Mike, and we love you both so much. Take joy in Brody......he is so precious! And know that when the time is right, you will have another child. BIG HUG, BIG HUG, BIG HUG!!!!

Daddy Ken & Grandmommy said...

That was such a beautiful tribute, Staci and Mike. I cried all the way through. I have been so sad since learning of the loss of this precious baby. I know that your faith will get you through this troubling time and I pray that you will be able to have another baby in time.

We love all of you and are praying for you.

Leave It To Davis said...

Staci, I am reading this again in 2011. I am sobbing. I wish I could put my arms around you and cry with you. I am so sorry you lost this child. You are such a wonderful mom. Some things in life we just never understand.