Child of God

Below is the picture that we gave our family this past weekend when we went to Texas for the Pleasant Ridge Reunion. We were SHOCKED but very excited when we found out that we were expecting another baby (I took FOUR pregnancy tests...just to make sure)! I was a little scared at first about the fact that Brody would only be 16 months old when the baby is born. Mike assured me that it would be fun to have them that close together. We talked about the great friends they would become and how Brody would love to have a little brother or sister to play with. Our families were equally shocked/excited when we told them the news!

I started a journal as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I did this for Brody too and would write about the joys and struggles of pregnancy. I also wrote about all the things I was looking forward to doing with him...and the many prayers I was saying for him. I think it'll be fun to look back at with him when he and his wife are expecting a child of their own! I still write in Brody's journal every now and then. The journal for the new baby is a little different....it has an end. Here is an excerpt from the journal:

The week before going to TX I had some spotting, so I had blood drawn on Monday and Thursday to test my HCG levels and make sure my worrying was for nothing. The levels from Monday’s test came back very high. I didn’t find out the results from Thursday's blood draw until we were on our way home from TX on Monday the 30th. Debbie (my doctor) called and said that my levels had dropped a little (they should have doubled in the 2nd draw). This gave her cause for concern. She asked me to come in on Tuesday morning at 10:00 am for a sonogram.

Tuesday, Mike, Brody, and I went in to the Medical Center for the sonogram. The sonographer found your little body on the sonogram. You measured 8 weeks (older than I thought), however, you weren’t moving and he couldn’t find a heartbeat. He left the room (before telling us this) to go get Debbie. Since we had seen Brody at 6 weeks 6 days with Paula’s sonogram machine…we knew what you should look like. I could tell that you weren’t moving and didn’t have a beating heart, however, I was still hoping that I was wrong. Then the sonographer came back in the room with Debbie and showed her the images of your precious body. Debbie told us that you had already died. She said based on your size it had been within the past few days. Mike and I both had tears streaming down our face.

Wednesday and Thursday now seem like a blur in my mind. There was so much blood....so much that I had to go to the hospital and get 2 units of blood to replenish my body. Mike has been my rock. Not only has he been taking care of Brody, meals, the house....he's cleaned up after me and cared for me during this horrible nightmare known simply as a miscarriage.

I now know that it is true. You are gone. There’s no hope for a mistaken sonogram or a miracle anymore. I saw with my own eyes as you passed from my body to your watery grave. Tears stream down my face at the loss of a dream, a future, and a child. It seems so hard to say goodbye after such a short time. It should be just the beginning….not the end. I am thankful that I can rest assured that you are now safe in the arms of God. I’m jealous that he gets to hold you first, however, you are blessed to get to skip the troubles of this world and go directly to a place of eternal peace and comfort.

We can’t wait until the day we enter Heaven and are able to hold you and love on you. Even though we never got to see your precious face…we know that we will recognize you by the impression you left on our hearts.

Goodbye my dear child. You will always be in my heart.

I love you!
Mom